


as long as you lead (i will follow behind)

by brbabe



Series: quit [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 04:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brbabe/pseuds/brbabe
Summary: Donghyuck blinks, mouth open in a silent moan as Mark presses urgent and insistent kisses on his neck. He can feel his throat getting dry, his fingers skidding across the bed sheets, too soft, and up to Mark’s shoulder, hard muscle, as he presses his hand there in a failed attempt to escape Mark’s hold. Giving up, he licks his lips and says:“I think we should stop doing this.”





	as long as you lead (i will follow behind)

Mark is a lot of things, from a good student and great basketball player to a goddamn coward, he knows this, he has accepted it, but Mark Lee isn’t gay.

Once Yukhei said, “ _You can have him in your bed, what’s the difference?”_ and Mark didn't know how to explain, it didn't have an explanation. He is a mess, a liar, a coward, a piece of shit and there's that. Mark couldn't even think about being in love with someone he wouldn’t be able to bring home to his parents.

His parents beliefs are engraved in him, he needed to study to get into a good university like his brother did, he needed to eat healthy and exercise so he could play basketball like his dad used to, needed to pay attention to his music teacher so he could play the guitar like his mom does and he needed to be the best gentleman he could be to find a nice girl and marry her and settle down so he could give his parents at least one grandkid. His parents dreamed about what his life would be like and planned it for him even before he was born.

Thinking of hurting them, well, he would rather hurt himself.

Donghyuck blinks, mouth open in a silent moan as Mark presses urgent and insistent kisses on his neck. He can feel his throat getting dry, his fingers skidding across the bed sheets, too soft, and up to Mark’s shoulder, hard muscle, as he presses his hand there in a failed attempt to escape Mark’s hold. Giving up, he licks his lips and says:

“I think we should stop doing this.”

Mark stops, sitting up on the bed and moving to straddle Donghyuck’s thighs. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. We should stop.” He says, hands coming up to push Mark away from him. “Fucking. Seeing each other. Whatever.”

“Why?” Mark asks. His mind going into overdrive, he had thought about Donghyuck leaving him before, but he’d never allowed himself to contemplate a reality in which Donghyuck actually gets tired of him. “You found someone else?” _Wait for me. You should wait for me._

“So what if I did? It’s not like our relationship, if you can even call it that, is going anywhere.” He laughs, bitterly.

It’s Mark’s turn to blink. So, this is what Yukhei told him was going to happen. Donghyuck found someone else who can love him properly, better, harder than Mark ever would.

Mark Lee is incapable of loving. When he was just a kid listening to his father at the church, he always knew there was something wrong with him, with the things he wanted to do, the people he wanted to love. It was alright, Mark thought he could deal with it, hide that little part of himself, bury it so deep he wouldn’t have to deal with it.

But that _little_ part of him turned out to be _bigger_ than anything else.

When he met Donghyuck, he knew the boy would only bring him problems. Lee Donghyuck equals trouble for someone like Mark, someone who is used to hiding, to lying and to pretending.

At first, it was fine. Mark knew when and where to act on that burning desire of having Donghyuck closer, knew how to reach out when he wanted to and run away from the boy’s warm hands when he needed to. Except Donghyuck was trouble and Mark had a thing for it.

Of course he started to need more and more of the other and no amount of making out with strangers could satisfy him. Mark wanted Donghyuck, so he let himself have that, and _that_ was his downfall, because Donghyuck was warm and fascinating and caring and cute, and - even though Mark tries to deny it - he understands him.

At some point, when Donghyuck came over, he bought with him a feeling of contentment and a sense of belonging that freaked Mark Lee the fuck out .

“Okay.” He replies.

Donghyuck scoffs. “You can’t even ask me to stay.” _I want to_ , he feels like screaming. _I want you to stay with me because I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you_ , but Mark Lee is already a bad person as is and he cant bring Donghyuck down with him.

He is selfish, he wants it all to himself and yet is not willing to give anything in return, Mark is always hiding, always scared and he’s always letting people tell him what to do and so he suffers as a consequence. Meanwhile, Donghyuck is bright, free, loving and everything Mark is lacking. What kind of person would he be if he allowed his lover to change just to adapt to his own flaws? Besides, Donghyuck should find someone who would be his wholeheartedly. Someone who isn’t Mark.

“You deserve more than that. You’re right.” Mark nods. “More than what I can give you.”

That doesn't mean Mark doesn’t want to give Donghyuck all that he has, but it’s too hard and too scary. Looking at Donghyuck’s angelic face, Mark could almost forget that having Donghyuck means losing everything else.

“I always knew you were a coward.”

In the past, when Mark allowed himself to have Donghyuck for longer than a few hours, they would snuggle on the couch and watch a movie and Donghyuck would want to try and guess the plot and Mark would keep shushing him, but in the end he would give up and listen to him while occasionally humming.

During these moments, he allowed himself to fantasize Donghyuck was more than a person he had casual sex with, he allowed himself to look at Donghyuck and feel his heart seizing up and _Oh, I love you._ Yes, Mark is a coward because he kept allowing himself to be with Donghyuck just to take it back right after.

For the first time, even though they have slept together countless times before, Mark is the one seeing Donghyuck leave.

Lying there alone, with Donghyuck’s smell lingering on his sheets, Mark knows it’s for the best. Well, he never really believed his plan to turn a blind eye to Donghyuck’s feelings and treat him like shit would ever actually work, but if that’s what he needed to do for Donghyuck to kill the feelings of love inside him, then so be it. Mark would never make Donghyuck happy and would never be able to give him what he really needs. Donghyuck is deserving of a pure love and Mark is tainted.

He lays there staring at the ceiling and without him realizing, the tears starts pouring. Mark lets himself cry for his loss, lets himself mourn the death of what could’ve been and finally lets himself feel the pain of losing Donghyuck. He’s not going to hear the boy’s sweet voice calling him “love” anymore, or feel his warm hands massaging his back just because he felt like it, or worse, he’s not going to kiss Donghyuck anymore because he had lost the right to do so.

Yukhei finds him hours later, not crying anymore, just sniffing pitifully while hugging his pillow. Mark had handed him a key months ago because he had grown to like Mark’s apartment more than his own.

“What happened?” He asks, sitting down on the bed and pulling Mark’s socked feet into his lap.

“Donghyuck left me.” He mumbles, face pressed to the pillow.

“Isnt that what you wanted?” Yukhei asks, “Weren’t you trying to push him away?”

Mark nods. “Hurts.” He says, simply and starts crying again.

Donghyuck left without knowing how much he truly meant to Mark, without knowing that, maybe in other circumstances, if Mark was braver and stronger, he would have asked to date him, taking him out while holding hands and saying to everyone that _yes, this is my boyfriend Donghyuck and he makes me the happiest._ Donghyuck left without knowing that Mark loved him and that he was the only one who ever saw Mark as who he was and not as who he thought he needed to be, or at least that’s how Mark always felt around Donghyuck, like he could be himself.

If Mark were brave he would run through the door and ask Donghyuck for another chance, but Mark isn’t brave and all that he has left is the self hatred and shame he carries inside him. If Mark were strong, he would stand up for himself and fight everyone who ever dared to deny him the right to have Donghyuck with him, but he isn’t strong and all he does is sit around letting his parents and their beliefs rule every aspect of his life.

* * *

A few weeks after Donghyuck broke up with him - _you never dated him,_ his brain points out -, not the longest they had gone without seeing each other, but the longest break initiated by Donghyuck, Mark is leaving the music room after spending his free period trying to come up with a satisfying lyrics when he sees him.

He looks good. Mark notices his hair is curly like it always is when Donghyuck doesn’t dry it after showering. Now, Mark thinks he knows Donghyuck, so that’s why it stings to see him smiling so brightly when a boy hugs him by the waist. He really met someone else and, apparently, he likes the new person. Mark swallows with some difficulty, his eyes burn with the desire to scream at Donghyuck, to run there and pull him closer.

Mark doesn’t deserve Donghyuck, he knows that, but knowing Donghyuck knows that too hurts more than he thought it would. He keeps staring at them, sees Donghyuck’s hand coming to hold the boy’s hand as they leave. He can’t blame Donghyuck, though. And he kind of envies the other boy for being so free and for showing off Donghyuck without shame.

He goes back inside the empty music room and doesn’t even turn the lights on before he’s falling to his knees, pathetically.

Everything hurts. Breathing, living, existing.

Without Donghyuck, everything only brings him pain because it’s a reminder of his own misery. The feeling is there to mock him, to laugh at him and say _look, you could have this all._ If only. If only Mark could stand up proudly and not hide in resentment for being who he is.

Life goes on.

And for Mark Lee, it goes on in a devastating way.

Anyone else would think it’s too much drama, but at least Yukhei understands him. His best friend holds his hand everytime Donghyuck and his boyfriend crosses their path. Maybe Mark could even get used to this pain Donghyuck is inflicting on him, he sure deserves _it_ and nothing more, no hope and no sympathy and no love, but Mark can only fantasize things could work out when, at some point, Donghyuck’s eyes connect with his.  

Mark keeps working hard, gives even more of himself to his major, if that was possible, now that he doesn't have a distraction. Donghyuck never got to know this, but Mark procrastinated a lot of work just to ring him up sometimes. Well, Donghyuck didn’t get to know a lot of things in the past year he let himself be with Mark - like how Mark had memorized Donghyuck’s schedule so he would never be the reason why Donghyuck had to procrastinate, or how he always made sure to have something in his fridge that Donghyuck liked eating for the days they would have lunch together after class, because sometimes it was easier to come straight from their classes instead of waiting for nighttime. -  that was just one more thing on the endless list.

Mark has always been a great actor and he always made things look like a coincidence.

Mark calls his parents every two weeks, and video chats with his brother at least once. During one of these, his older brother asks him what’s going on, presses him for an answer while saying _you’re half of me, Mark,_ as if saying that would make Mark feel better. Yes, Mark shares half of his brother’s dna, but Mark is a whole _him_ too, a whole Mark Lee and it means he has to deal with things he doesn’t want to, the parts of himself that make it hard to be the perfect son. Shaking his head, he says:

“I wish I was entirely like you.” He states, trying to ignore the sad look on his brothers face in the low quality image on the screen of his phone.

“You don’t have to be anything like me.” Mark would disagree. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” His brother asks, voice concerned like he’s trying to reach for him. “I am your brother.”

That night, Mark cries himself to sleep.

* * *

Six months later Mark came to the realisation that life really does go on, even if his heart and mind remained in one spot. He’s seeing Donghyuck less and less lately, because dating an exchange student changed Donghyuck’s schedule, so Mark never knows where to find him anymore, he knows Donghyuck dyed his hair though, a bright red colour that makes his sun kissed skin look even more beautiful. Last time they - almost - bumped into each other in between classes, Donghyuck had his bangs up with a headband, and he looked like he was glowing and happy.

As Mark had expected, his feelings didn’t change during these months, if that, they only became more realistic, like his heart had finally understood what it meant to want Donghyuck. It’s a shame that it took so long.

On most nights Mark finds himself on his couch, alone and empty, staring at Donghyuck’s phone number on the screen of his phone. It seems to shine brighter than the sun. In the past Mark rarely got drunk, he didn’t like the taste of alcohol and he never really felt better drunk than sober, but Mark had also never experienced heartbreak. He went out to dinner with Yukhei and his boyfriend Kun, they had an age gap but they made it work. Kun was a nice guy, sweet and adorable just the way Yukhei liked his men. His best friend didn’t want him to go though, afraid meeting another couple would make him sad. To convince himself Mark told himself it’s _been_ six months and he needed to try to move on. Mark was happy for Yukhei.

At some point during the night, Kun had to leave which by default meant Yukhei was going to leave too and Mark didn’t feel like being alone in his apartment. He opted to just move to the bar for a little bit, but as one drink turns into two, two turns into five. And six, seven, eight, nine… Mark barely remembered the barman putting him in a taxi.

Of course, as soon as he got home and sat down on the couch, his heart pleaded for the _one_ person he needed and wanted the most in this world.

Lee Donghyuck.

Mark needed to hear his voice again, wanted to apologize for having hurt him so many times in the past and wanted to tell him that he wished things were different. Mark hates himself for having hurt him and for making him go away and Mark hates himself for not being able to accept the love he feels.

“Hello?” Donghyuck sounds sleepy, Mark feels guilty for having woken him up, the static of the phone makes his voice sounds even tinier. “Hello?”

Mark takes a deep breathe. “Hi.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck says. “Mark? Is everything okay?”

Mark wants to laugh, how can Donghyuck ask that? How can he not know that, _no, everything is not_ _okay_ because is clear as a day that Mark is suffering. “I miss you so much.”  Mark says, and holds the phone harder, closer to his ear like he's afraid that he won’t hear Donghyuck’s breath if the phone isn’t as glued to his ear as it could possibly be.

Donghyuck sighs. “Mark.” He says, and it doesn’t sound like the way Donghyuck used to say it, because Mark could feel the warmth underneath Donghyuck’s words when he said _Mark, you could have called me earlier._ But that warmth isn’t there anymore. Mark misses him so much. Misses the way Donghyuck’s hand always seemed to find his during the moments they were alone and simply kissing. “I’m not your booty call anymore, if that’s what you want.”

“No it’s not, it’s not like that. Not like that all, Hyuck, please, let me....” He stutters, trying to find the words, his heart aches once more with the realization that he made Donghyuck believe that all this time Mark only wanted him for sex. He never gave Donghyuck a glimpse of what was truly going on, or at least what Mark wanted to have with him. Even though, to some extent, he knew what he was doing. “I just really miss you. So much. Truly so much, I’m not calling because I’m needy.”

“Please.” Donghyuck says. “Don’t do this to me. You need to let me go.”

“I can’t.” He replies. “I know there’s nothing I could do to make you believe me right now, I know you are happy now that you have someone who can actually be yours, but I need you to know Hyuck, I need to make sure that you know it was never about sex, it was never about hiding you because I was ashamed of you.” He says thickly, slurred, he’s not even sure if he is pronouncing half the words the right way. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I am not brave,”

“Brave?” Donghyuck asks, his voice sounds so delicate, as if he’s being extra careful, like he’s talking to a wounded animal. Mark wants to cry, but he holds it back. He needs to put in some effort into making Donghyuck forgive him, at least. “Brave for what?”

“I’m sorry,” He says again. “I wish I could free myself from all this stuff I feel that only,” He hiccups. “Only brings me down, makes me so sad. Hyuck? I’m so sad. All the time, all the time. Even when you were around, looking at you just made me think I wanted to be free and I wanted to be myself and, and I couldn't and I,” He realizes, belated, that he is speaking louder and louder, almost screaming. “I know you would hide if I asked, but I couldn’t do that to you. How could I even think of asking that? Hyuck you are so free already, you are you. All this… It’s my fault, it’s my problem, it’s the cross I need to bear and it's mine. I’m so-”

“Shhh,” Donghyuck interrupts. “It’s okay, Mark, breathe. Just breathe. We can talk when you are feeling better, ok? Mark? Mark?”

“I’m so sorry. Tell me you know that. Tell me you know I’m sorry.”

“I know you are sorry.” Donghyuck says, or so Mark thinks he does, but his eyes are already closing and the world falls into a deep silence.

* * *

 

Mark got drunk for the first time at his first frat party in his first year of college, where he was lucky enough to throw up on Yukhei’s shoes instead of a frat bro much more violent and less understanding than him. Noted, they were drunkenly making out so it was safe to say Yukhei was very different and laid back, he had laughed it out and offered him a ride. From there, they kind of never separated and Mark never acknowledged their make out session, although it was pretty obvious Yukhei knew he remembered, Yukhei is just a genuinely nice person and never brought it up. In spite of the fact that they were best friends, Mark only came out to Yukhei a few months prior his fall out with Donghyuck, it was accidental and he never got to say the words aloud, but Yukhei got the general idea when he saw Donghyuck leaving Mark’s room at least twice.

Mark Lee trusts Wong Yukhei, he thinks he knows Yukhei pretty well and that’s why all the events that pilled up in the next day didn’t caught him off guard.

“Mark, wake up!” Yukhei shakes him by the shoulder, Mark’s eyes are half closed but he can still see Yukhei’s face clearly. “Looks like the night went downhill after I left, huh?” Yukhei says, helping him up so he could sit properly on the couch. “I bought you some coffee.”

“Thanks, man.” Mark murmurs, his neck is killing him from his poor choice of sleeping position, the pain so sharp he can’t even bring his head slightly down to drink from the cup, so he has to drink it robotically. Wincing, he asks: “What are you doing here so early?” Then, looking at the clock on top of the center table he realizes he slept through almost the whole morning. Oh.

Yukhei sighs, sitting down. “I saw Donghyuck today. He’s new hair colour looks great.”

Mark squints. “I know.” Where is this going, he wants to ask, but he reckons Yukhei is going to get to the point, somehow. “He looks beautiful.”

“Yeah, we hung out a little bit, we were both at the exchange students’ dorm.” Mark nods, drinks some more of his coffee. “Mark, you called him last night.”

Mark pauses, tries to remember what happened, but Yukhei doesn’t give him enough time. “I avoided this as long as I could, Mark, but we need to talk.”

“About what?” He asks, dread settling into his stomach.

“You.” Yukhei says, simply. “You have a hell of a internalized homophobia and I can’t keep quiet about it anymore.”

Mark takes a deep breath and weights down his options: he could deny it and keep living his life hiding his true self from everyone including himself, could tell Yukhei to mind his own business and shut out his best friend or he could finally open up to someone.

He could, after a long time, talk about how he feels pathetic and frustrated for not being able to unleash himself from all the trash principles his parents and their church fed him since he was old enough to comprehend their hateful words. Tell Yukhei how he hated himself for years before finally accepting that yes, hiding it was his best option, and how it hurt to try and kill his inner Mark every day of his life, how it pained him to look into the mirror and see himself because it always made him feel like an impostor, and how all that almost changed for a second when he kissed Donghyuck for the first time, how it felt to feel so much for someone and at the same time, not be able to act on these feelings. How regretful it is to see Donghyuck moved on and now Mark feels even worse than ever before, because not only that sorrowful feeling is still there eating him inside out, now he has to deal with the agony of knowing Donghyuck left him behind.

“Oh Mark.” Yukhei says. He sounds so pained, choked up like he's holding back tears, Mark has to stop for a second and that’s how he realizes he said it all aloud, a honest word vomit of his deepest emotions. “I thought I would need to force it all out of you.” He tries to joke, but the way he is sniffling ruins it.

Mark scoffs. “Guess I just didn’t have the strength anymore.” He shrugs.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. I understand that it’s hard for you to see that now, but being gay…. It isn’t wrong. Your love is as pure and good and beautiful as every other.”

It’s funny, Mark thinks, that most of their friends think Yukhei is just a big dork that likes to drink and joke around, but in fact, Mark knows Yukhei is truly so intelligent and good and he always has something to say, something that will help you out when you need the most. Seeing Yukhei tell him these things - things he knew, somehow, but still needed to hear from someone whom he loves - with his big honest eyes, just makes Mark realize how much of a good friend he is.

Yukhei continues. “I love you Mark, and I’m sure that at some point your parents are going to accept you. If they don’t, well, fuck them okay? Family is supposed to love you and take care of you, not to make you feel depressed. And you know you have a family in me, bro, right?”

Mark laughs. “Thank you. Really. And I do know that.” He reaches for Yukhei’s hand and kisses his knuckles.

“You should have told Donghyuck.” Yukhei says, after a few minutes. “It would have been easier on both of you.”

“I know… It’s too late now, anyways. I’ll just work on getting myself to a better place and try to move on.”

He would never forgive himself if he had asked Donghyuck to hide for him. To take a step back and be his dirty little secret. Though, he reckons he did it anyway.

Yukhei shifts on the couch. “I don’t think so, bro, you should have seen the look on his face when he asked me to ‘ _be here for you_ ’ because you sounded miserable and it made his heart ache.”

“He’s just worried because Donghyuck is a nice person.” Mark replies. “He’s perfectly happy now dating the chinese student, I bet.”

“They broke up a couple days ago.” Yukhei says lightly like he’s talking about the weather.

Mark crushes the tiny bit of hope trying to claim his whole body. Just because Donghyuck is single again doesn’t mean Mark has a chance. In fact, Mark has a long way to go before he’s able to even look Donghyuck in the face. First things first, he needs to deal with the acceptation of his sexuality and all that it entails.

Like his family, and himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Three days after his conversation with Yukhei, Mark calls his brother. He wishes they could meet up to talk, but his brother is in Chicago, having left for college and not coming back after. They mainly see each other during end of the year celebrations, though it’s been two or more years since Johnny came home. That’s also something he wishes he could do. Leave Korea behind and find solace somewhere else, a place to be free. When his brother picks up his phone, they schedule a video call later that day, when both are home and comfortable; Mark takes a deep breath after he hangs up the phone. He chose to tell his brother first and foremost, because Mark feels like it’s his best option, if it goes right, Mark will have the support he needs to keep working on himself, and well, if it goes wrong… at least he won’t need to talk to his parents, surely his brother will do it for him and from on, Seoul won’t be home anymore.

When he gets home, he hops into the shower and stays there letting the cold water wash away most of his bad energies. It’s cold outside, the weather incredibly chilly for that time of the year. By the time Mark gets out, his lips are purple and his teeth are chattering.

“I can do this.” He says, looking at himself in the mirror. “I can do this.” Repeats.

A second after he gets dressed, his phone rings and this is it. Mark Lee is going to come out as a gay man to his older brother.

Gay.

Mark Lee is gay.

“What’s up baby bro!” Johnny says, image freezing a little but he looks great. Mark shudders. God, is this fair? Is it fair to feel this frightened about being himself?

“Hi,” He says, sitting down on the bed, glued to the headboard. Mark pulls the duvet up to his chin and smiles to his brother. “Are you busy?”

Johnny laughs. “Not at all! How are you?”

Mark bites his lip. “I need to talk to you. It’s serious and it has been eating me alive for so long, I can’t even begin to comprehend what is it to feel like I’m okay.”

Johnny frowns. “Mark…”

“Please let me talk.” He interrupts. “Please. I need to let it all out.”

Johnny gestures him to go on.

“A year ago I met someone.” He starts, he didn’t really prepare a guideline, he’s not thinking too much about what to say, Mark reckons he needs to vent. “A boy. And Johnny, he’s beautiful, smart, funny, so talented and witty and he had me from the start. You know? He made me feel that thrill of wanting someone and flirting… but it didn’t last because everytime we kissed I kept hearing Dad’s voice inside my head telling me that what I was doing was wrong and disgusting and that God would make me suffer for choosing to kiss a boy instead of a girl. And it made me hate myself so much more than I ever did because I always knew what I liked and what I didn’t, but having that boy with me was a constant reminder of what I am and that I am wrong,” Mark sniffles, the tears down his face are getting into his mouth as he cries, he tastes the salt on his tongue. “And I treated him like shit because of it. Because I knew he was in love with me and I couldn’t love him back. I really hurt him. I keep calling him and making him come to me every time I felt like I needed him just to throw him out my bed after because I wanted to hurt him, Johnny, I wanted to make him hate me so I could feel at ease again, because I couldn’t love him and be with him, Mom would be so disappointed and Dad would hate me and you probably wouldn’t consider me your blood anymore, I wouldn’t be half of you anymore like you always said I was. And I kept pushing him away and wounding him because I thought that maybe, if he left me I would be back to normal, I would be able to hide myself again and never bring my abnormalities back to the surface, I would bury it deep inside of me forever and never bring shame to our family. But he never said anything, he kept waiting for me. He kept calling me love and telling me he would always be here. And,” Mark hates himself so much, his throat is closing up trying to hold back his sobs. “And we kept this horrible arrangement for a year but six months ago he gave up. He gave me up. I feel so lost without him, I feel awful, because I love him so much, I miss him so much and being without him hurts so bad. I had him before and I felt so miserable but not having him makes me feel inconsolable. I don’t think I can do it, Johnny, I don’t think I can hide it anymore, I can’t fight it. With or without him, I will never be able to renegade who I am.”

Mark takes a deep breath. “I’m gay.”

“Minhyung.” Johnny says, one word, Mark’s korean name, something that Johnny rarely ever said since he always prefered Mark’s english name just like he always liked his more. Once, Johnny had said that Youngho was someone else. Someone different whom he had little in common. Mark kind of can relate to that. “Minhyung, I am so sorry you had to go through that alone.” He continues. Mark blinks. “I love you so much my brother, I am so sorry I left you alone. Minhyung, you _are_ half of me. It doesn’t change anything. You are my blood, my family. Nothing will change that, especially not who you love or who you don’t.”

Johnny smiles sadly. “This is my fault. I gave you the impression you couldn’t trust me with something like this and I left you behind and never bothered to pay attention and it was wrong, so wrong. I should’ve been there for you.. I would have helped you sooner. I love you Mark. And if Mom and Dad for some reason think you aren’t part of their family anymore, well, you will always be part of mine.” Johnny flashes his hand on the screen, there, on his finger, is a ring. A simple golden band that always carried so many emotions and weighted so much on Mark’s shoulders.  

“Johnny?” He asks, confused. Did his brother get married?

“His name is Ten.” Johnny says. “And he’s the love of my life.”

Mark’s chest explodes in hiccups mixed with an ugly laugh. “What the fuck?” He says, in english, as he stares at his brother’s hand. He can’t even bring himself to get mad for not knowing it sooner, he can’t get mad at Johnny for not being there.

Somehow, they both left each other alone, kept their shared information on a bare minimum level. Mark himself is as guilty as Johnny. He never reached out. Mark isolated himself, maybe even shut Johnny out, for fearing of messing up the image Johnny always had of him.

Little did he know, things were going to work out so well. For the first time, Mark realizes Johnny is half of him too.

“Will you forgive me for not being your best man if I forgive you for leaving me behind?”

Johnny laughs. “I’m the only one who should be asking for forgiveness. I should’ve taken better care of you. You were scared, I understand better than you imagine. I went through that, too. Why do you think I never came back home after I graduated? I was asked not to. They didn’t want you to know so they had the idea of faking it for Christmas, but I couldn’t take that. It made me sick. I stopped coming. But you kept calling me brother, so I guessed they never told you. I thought that was the reason you were still with me somehow, but at the same time, I was scared of being more present in your life, that you would ask me at some point, and I would lose you too.”

“Youngho, you are half of me.” Mark smiles. “More than ever.” Johnny smiles back at him. “When will I meet your love?”

“When will I meet yours?”

Mark’s smile fades. “He’s not mine anymore.”

“Bullshit.” Johnny says. “Work for it. Take him back.”

“How?” He asks. “I hurt him so bad, Johnny, I know he hates me.”

“I bet he doesn’t. Come on, talk to him. Tell him what you told me. Tell him the truth, tell him how you feel. In the end, if he doesn’t take you back, at least you tried.”

* * *

 

Mark ditches his morning classes the next day. He walks in circle in the middle of his living room, thinking of ways to talk to Donghyuck. Since he and Renjun - the exchange student he dated for awhile - broke up, Donghyuck went back to his usual schedule, the one Mark knows in his sleep. At this hour, he’s probably in his Literacy class, what gives Mark more or less one hour to make up a plan.  He reckons he can text Donghyuck, ask him out for a coffee, the one in that no end street outside campus, they never went there (they never went anywhere together), but the place always reminded Mark of him.

First, though, he needs a shower. There, for the first time in a while, Mark lets himself remember the feeling of Donghyuck’s warm hands against his thighs, the way he used to bite the skin of Mark’s nape when Mark’s back was flushed against his chest, the way the word “ _love”_ would fall from his lips as soon as Mark opened the door for him, at two in the morning almost every night.

Finally, after putting on Donghyuck’s favourite sweatshirt, Mark texts him.

‘c _an we meet?’_ And it’s probably arrogant of him to think he doesn’t need to identify himself as he types and sends the message, but he feels like Donghyuck still has his number.

 _“for what”_ Is what Donghyuck sends back in less than three minutes. Well, at least he didn’t refuse. Mark sits down in the edge on his couch. He wants to convince Donghyuck, but without spoiling the subject.

“ _i need to talk to u. please just this once.”_

_“tell me where and when.”_

Mark tells him where and when and they _finally_ meet, after months of longing glances across the campus and one drunken call that Mark remembers vividly despite being drunk out of his mind, which, honestly, makes him feel stupid.

Donghyuck sits there, bright hair fading into a softer colour, less red and more honey-like, maybe. Mark was never good with colours. He’s got a piercing on his right ear, Mark notices, and his skin is as tanned as Mark remembers it being, probably as warm as it always was too. They just keep sitting there in silence, until the waiter comes and takes their orders. Donghyuck asks for iced tea and Mark opts for a normal tea. It’s cold outside, but cozy enough inside the coffee house.

“How are you?” Mark asks, as soon as their drinks arrive and he can hold the cup and give his hands something to do.

“Good. Tired. The usual.” Donghyuck shrugs. “What about you?”

“I’m in love with you.”

Donghyuck, whose hand was bringing the drink closer to his mouth with clear intention of drinking the iced tea he badly wanted, gasps and the liquid escapes from the cup and falls onto the table and, consequently, onto Donghyuck’s legs.

“I’m sorry, but what the fuck?” He whispers, angrily, as he tries to dry the table with a paper napkin, useless.

“I’m in love with you and I mean it.”

“You can’t possibly think I will believe that after everything you put me through.” Donghyuck snarls.

“You don’t have to. I just want to tell you that I’ve loved you since the beginning and that everything I did has no excuses and of course, I deserve you despising me, but I also think you need to know what was happening with me during the year we’ve been together. It’s only fair.”

Donghyuck sighs. Looks out of the window, looks at Mark. “Not here.”

Essentially, that’s how they end up in Mark’s living room. Donghyuck knows the entire apartment like the back of his hand. He sits down in the armchair across from the couch.

“Talk.”

And talk he does.

“When I was seven years old I heard my Dad say that being gay was a sin for the first time. It was wrong, disgusting. That gay people were bound to burn in hell. When I was thirteen I met a boy. Older than me by a few years, he was from Busan and I told myself I only liked his accent. He kissed me on my fourteenth birthday party, because he said he hadn't got me anything. I liked it, but I told him he was disgusting, called him names, and we never talked again.”

“Oh no,” Donghyuck says.

"So I grew up forcing myself to be something I was not. And it took a toll on me, I guess. Because when I met you I didn’t know how to disentangle myself from that, to be a hundred percent honest I don’t think I wanted to, at least not in the beginning, but it’s really fucking hard not to fall in love with you, you know that?” He laughs. “I hurt you and I knew what I was doing. At first I blamed you, I guess, for making me torn in between hiding and coming out. You were my heaven and my hell.”

“You wanted me to go away.” It wasn’t a question, but Mark nods anyway. “Why?”

“If you left me I wouldn't need to think about being free again, because no one else would be worth it.”

“But?”

“But this has more to do with me not being able to fight anymore than with you, you know? I came out to my brother yesterday and I told him that well, with or without you I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hide my true self again.”

Donghyuck nods. “It went okay with your brother?” He asks.

Mark smiles. “He’s bisexual and happily married to another man. You know he left for college right? My parents told him he didn’t need to come back. So he never did.”

“That’s truly fucked up.” Donghyuck points out. “But I’m glad you have him.”

“Me too.”

“Is that what you meant when you called me saying you wanted to be brave? And that you couldn’t ask me to hide for you?”

“Yes.”

“I would have said yes… Mark, there is-” He cuts himself off. “There was little I wouldn’t do for you.”

“I could never ask you that.”

“Instead you chose to treat me like a disposable fuck toy.”

Mark winces. “I am sorry for what I did.”

“I know you are.” Donghyuck sighs. “I’m sorry I’m not making an effort right now, I’m overwhelmed. I understand why you never told me you were gay, and I think I understand why you did all that, but I don’t think I can just forget all that and get back to you.” He says. “Mark you really fucking ruined me.”

There. There it is: _closure._

"You really hurt me. You made me feel like absolute shit. I put your needs and your feelings above my own for a entire year. I made myself go through that for scrumbles of your love, which by the way, never felt like love at all.” Donghyuck continues. “Even when I had enough of the pain, you were still in my mind. Renjun never stood a chance against your ghost.” He shakes his head. “I love you. I love you, Mark, but… I need time. You know? Time to be alone with myself. Can you give me that?”

“Of course.” Mark says. “All the time you need and, if in the end you still feel like you shouldn’t be with me… it’s okay Hyuck. I will accept whatever it is you want to give me.”

They part ways.

* * *

 

A few days after their talk, Donghyuck texts him and asks him out for lunch, but Mark is full of work to do after having neglected them for so long so they end up eating together in the back of the music room. Half through the food, Mark realizes it’s the first time they eat and talk and it’s not hurried because they want to get to the bedroom as soon as possible.  

They have lunch together almost every day after that.

A month passes by, and Kun is having a photo exhibition so naturally Yukhei invites him to see his boyfriend’s work. The theme is chinese witchcraft, and that’s something Donghyuck loves to talk about, so Mark invites him too. They have so much fun. Yukhei and Donghyuck click very well, although their type of humour is very different, they bond over making fun of him. Mark buys one of the photos, and Donghyuck swears next weekend he’s coming over to help Mark hang the photo in his living room.

And he actually does comes over to help Mark, and they end up moving the entire furniture around just so the photo can have a highlighted spot. They are tired by the time they finish it, and Donghyuck uses the shower while Mark orders take out.

Mark notices lots and lots of things about Donghyuck that he never did before, and shares stuff with Donghyuck that he also never shared before. They get to finally know each other to the core. Sometimes, Donghyuck will flirt with him. Like when Mark gets a haircut and Donghyuck says something among the _i could kiss you right now_ lines. Maybe it’s wishful thinking.  

Maybe Mark wants Donghyuck to give him the green light so bad he’s starting to make things up inside his brain.

Once, they go out to watch a new movie near Donghyuck’s apartment and they leave so late Donghyuck asks Mark to sleep over. That night, he meets Jeno. He swears Jeno squeezed his hand more than the necessary when they shook hands, and later, when the lights were off and both him and Donghyuck were almost dozing off in their shared bed, he brings that up and Donghyuck laughs so loud, Mark can’t not laugh with him.

When Mark wakes up the next day, Donghyuck’s still asleep. _Kiss him_ , his brain pleads, _it’s your only chance._ So Mark kisses his forehead, quickly.

By the end of the year, Donghyuck is an even bigger part of Mark’s life than before.

For Christmas, Donghyuck travels back to Jeju so he can spend time with his family. Mark, in the other hand, stays in Seoul with his parents. Johnny isn’t coming and Mark can understand _perfectly_ what Johnny meant when he said spending Christmas there made him sick. With some excuses, Mark gets home earlier and when he’s already in bed, texting Donghyuck, he tells him he is home already, which for Donghyuck is _absolutely unacceptable._ So Donghyuck video calls him and they fall asleep like that.

Time flies and by New Years, Jeno’s rich boyfriend named Jaemin is throwing a party. It’s the first time Mark sees Donghyuck kissing someone else since Renjun, so long ago.

It makes him see red.

He hides in one of the countless bathrooms, but Donghyuck finds him anyway. “Open the door, come on.” He says, slightly slurred because Donghyuck doesn’t like to get drunk. “Mark? Please?” And Mark just _knows_ he is pouting.

Mark opens the door.

“What? What do you want?” He asks, angrily. “Weren’t you busy?”

Donghyuck arches an eyebrow. “Are you jealous?”

“Yes. Yes, I am. You know I am. You know how I feel about you.”

Donghyuck closes the bathroom door behind him. “You wish it was you? Kissing me?” He asks, softly. It’s like he’s pulling Mark closer with an invisible magnet. Mark stumbles on his feet and cages Donghyuck against the door, faces close.

“Yeah.” He whispers. “I wish I was the only one with the right to taste your lips.”

Donghyuck’s face is red. “Mark,” He says. “What if I told you I’ve decided?”

Downstairs, the chorus of the New Years countdown is clear. Here, the air is heavy with their long story together.

“Tell me.”

Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.

“I love you, Mark.” Donghyuck says.

Five. Four. Three.

“Donghyuck.”

Two. One.

They kiss. Happy new years, Mark Lee is finally at home.

**Author's Note:**

> This is it! I hope you guys are happy with what I have offered, if not, sorry, I tried my best. I think I will continue to update this series with more of their relationship, though, it's not a promise, I have lots of other works I need to pay attention to. I hope you guys forgave Mark for what he did before, and I hope you are happy that in the end, Markhyuck won! Thank you for all the support y'all gave me since I posted this project, I really hope I haven't disappointed. 
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
